That's it. Just like that. He doesn't want me anymore. It's been a few weeks and I've been forcing it, but this baby prefers the bottle. My milk supply is all but gone and he doesn't seem to be phased. Me, on the other hand, I am crushed.
Maybe if this wasn't my LAST baby I would feel different, maybe. But frankly, I'm an emotional wreck. Up, Down, Happy, Sad, Angry, Irritated, Patient, Loving, Mad, Glad. Can the end of an era really wreak that much havoc on this mama? Granted, there's still the day in and day out stresses and responsibilities, but this has been a tough last couple of days.
I am a nurser. I love to nurse. I make and sell nursing covers, for goodness sakes! I even told Dayne I'd cut him a profit if he'd still nurse and help be my walking advertisement. No dice. He is happy with another nipple. Dr. Brown's to be exact.
For the last 12 1/2 years I have been in baby mode. Pregnant, nursing, OOPS- got pregnant, nursing, thinking about getting pregnant, pregnant, nursing, took a 3 year break- but I knew there was more... pregnant, nursing, pregnant, nursing, pregnant, nursing. Now here I am: NOT pregnant (thank goodness!) and NOT nursing... and never to be again. Where has my identity gone?
For all you non-nursers out there, or those of you who can't remember, or those of you of the opposite sex who have NO IDEA what I am talking about, this may seem like I am overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing, but it is a big deal to me. I am sad. Sad because I will never nurse a baby again, sad because I will never feel needed in that way again, sad because that bonding feeling I feel while nursing a baby is done. Never to come back. I don't need the mother's room at church anymore (except to change diapers), I don't need my Peekaboobaby nursing cover anymore (I've got 5-- one for every outfit!), I can wear dresses now and not think about how I'm going to nurse while wearing that! No more let down when I'm in the shower, and goodbye nursing bras and breast pads!! But wait-- come back! It ended too soon. I wasn't ready.
Don't worry, I'll be fine. In a few days it won't be so fresh on my mind or so instinctual that everytime Dayne cries I want to nurse... but I will never forget the experience of nursing my 6 children. Some for longer, some shorter, some way too short. I have loved every minute of it.
Onto the next phase-- let's hope I'm not this melancholy when Dayne's out of diapers!!! :)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Never again...
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2 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. There's nothing like it. It is sad when it's over. You're a good mama... isn't it interesting how we feel as our children pass through the phases of their lives? So strange. I never much thought about my mom as I grew up... in that I didn't think about how she felt as she watched me grow up. I was just so excited to grow up, I never knew it made her sad.
Or when I went to college, I never thought twice about my poor mom bawling her brains out on that long drive back to Canyon Country from Rexburg. Alone. Both her girls in college. Going home to a quite apartment. I dread that day. So I am trying to enjoy every moment I can. When I remember to enjoy it and not be annoyed by the noise, the constant questions, or the demands on my mental stability!!
Amen - I only got 2 chances and neither one of them lasted for very many months. Ben is going to Kindergarten in July and Kadi will go to Preschool - then off to Kindergarten next year. My arms have been vacant, empty and longing for years. I always wanted to give nursing ONE MORE TRY and never got to...Love ya my friend! Call me any time. I REALLY DO KNOW how you feel :-)
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